It's never fun to hear the words, "There's a problem."
Not from a mechanic or a dentist, a chef or your spouse. So you can imagine how dizzying it was when at our 20-week ultrasound, the technician seemed extra quiet and two Drs. came in and said, "There's a problem."

My tights were down around my thighs and I felt the room get real serious. "He has a hole in his diaphragm and his stomach is in his chest, pushing his heart to the far right. Kids with this problem do fine after surgery....." The Dr. continued talking and I was thinking about a diagram from my vocal pedagogy class that showed the diaphragm and it's function in the vocal mechanism. He continued throwing words out like pulmonary hypertension, congenitive heart defects, echocardiogram but none of it was really sinking in. The Dr. eventually left and the technician apologized for not being able to say anything.

That night I began my crazed internet search discovering that CDH is rare. I discovered that while it is as common as other defects like spina bifida, most people have never heard of it because until 2002 50% of babies diagnosed with CDH didn't survive. I discovered that it is often one part of a bigger problem like Trisomy 18 or Down's Syndrome and I discovered that people terminate their pregnancy because of CDH--it is a serious and deadly defect.

Suddenly I feel irresponsible for getting pregnant, like Shane and I are too immature to deal with this. I dream that night that I'm at a visit with my OB and I ask her to say, "This is not your fault, Kali." I wake up feeling funny because I don't remember actually thinking that during waking hours.

I've already said the words diaphragmatic hernia to myself like 500 times in the two hours since leaving the hospital and wonder how many more times I'll have to say those words in my lifetime. Shane says, "I think we're going to need to be private about this." I am quiet and then agree that when we're together, we can be private about this, already knowing that I would suffocate if I didn't talk about this with every person that I know and trust. I know that he and I are different that way.

I didn't want to muck up Mahalia's blog with doom and gloom, hence this one. Although, the reality is that her life will forever be changed when her brother comes along.