#2

Fortunately, I had never experienced any sort of insomnia until I was pregnant with Mahalia. And shockingly, with all the surprises of this pregnancy, I've been sleeping like a rock until now. Now sleep occurs in weird fits. A friend described to me once how her feelings about sleep had changed post-baby. She is a poet and had thought of her sleeping pattern in terms of sentence structure. I can't remember exactly her words but it had to do with nighttime being like a period--day is done, I'm sleeping for this period of time and will wake up rested. My nights are now filled with commas and parentheses, exclamations and interjections. I wake up in the middle of a full thought.

Mahalia is on day 4 of fever. The Dr. reassures us that her lungs are clear and that this is only a nasty virus. I'm sure viruses are nastier in this city than anywhere else, everything in these five boroughs is full on. With only two weeks before having a baby with compromised lungs, I was getting a little panicky about also having a two year old with pneumonia. She crawls into bed with us at night and tucks her feverish little body right into my ever increasing curves. Nose to nose, her hot little breath keeps me awake. Whoonit is also turning flips inside of me and it suddenly occurs to me for the first time (no lie) that I'm about to have two children.

I stumble to the toilet and linger there while I have this realization. I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud on the toilet. Two kids, huh? What am I doing? How does that actually work? We, as a little family, have worked out a fairly reasonable routine and we're going to throw another one into the mix? How do I get two kids into the bug? Where will two little bodies fit in our bed in the morning?

I realize too that I've been so fixated on hospital time and surgery that I haven't been able to think about the time beyond. I say I'd like to work when my body heals, but really? We talk about moving to Denver sometime later, but really? There must be a word for the brain phenomena I find myself having. It's tricky to articulate but it's sort of like stumbling upon a giant wall that you can't see over or around. You know that there is another side but in this breath, it seems impossible. In these moments, I know that it's a weird blessing how laid back Shane and I both are. It's not great for things like, well, paying bills, and getting to places on time (one of us is better at this than the other.) But it sure pays off in times of uncertainty. I see this reflected in little Miss MayMay who handles transitions in a surprisingly easy going way and I am thankful. We will have this little baby and deal with it because we have to. All other decisions, for now, can wait.