TLC

Today I was watching A Baby Story on TLC. I don't know why I continue watching this show. A few years ago, I vowed that I would only watch those episodes featuring couples of mixed race who did not live in NJ. As an aside, I have met several women in Brooklyn that have been on this show. There's always this awkward conversation that starts with, "I think I know you from somewhere." Of course, I feel certain that I know this person intimately and usually within moments realize that I've seen this person in labor, vagina blurred and all and the subsequent delivery. And then I feel embarrassed.

I'm thinking to myself while watching this show today, "shit. wouldn't it be nice if you could encapsulate your whole labor/delivery process and the first month with your new baby into one half-hour time period?" I'm also aggravated at how smoothly everything's going when the cameras return for the one month check up. Mommy's always made up, the baby's always asleep and everyone is smiling.

I take a breath and think of my own newborn and how most days, mothering my own children illuminates my inadequacies. I am impatient. I am disorganized. I think of how Mahalia puts her hands on her hips in defiance 5 times a day and how she told her teachers, "When you're angry, you can put your hands on your hips." I think about Desmond and how at most points during the day I'd love for him to go to sleep. I think about how I'm rarely feeling in control of what's going on. I take a breath and feel all mixed up about my negative feelings and think to myself, "oh, it's so like you to see everything in a negative light."

On a different day, things seem more manageable and I'm reminded that parenting is full of extremes and chaos and perhaps letting go is the best answer. So this afternoon instead of sweating and muttering under my breath and half-heartedly rocking Desmond while looking and thinking about putting away paper plates from Mahalia's party, I'll plop my ass on the couch and watch another lipsticked lady pop out a baby and remind myself that this is what I'm supposed to be doing now.